Tears of Life
by Savii
Summary: [COMPLETE] Draco grew up learning that expressing one's feeling is a weakness. What happen when Harry gave an opportunity to Draco to express his feeling without anybody knowing? Find out what really on Draco head. Warning HPDM pairing and Draco is OC.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Tears of Life

Summary: Draco journal entry.

Pairing: Draco and Harry … it going to be slash

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Note: This is the first time I writing slash.

Warning: Um this story also mentions a bit about child abuse.

Note: I want just to say thank to Erika and imeldapotter for fixing this story.

25 December

I, Draco Malfoy, am writing a journal entry for the first time in my life and shockingly, I feel good about it. I was surprised when Potter handed me a gift this morning. He mumbled something about helping me express my feelings, and then quickly walked away before I could even insult him. He may have given me a gift but that doesn't mean I have to like him.

So here I am, using his gift. Well, there was nothing else to do! You know, out of all the things he could have given, he got me a diary. I could call it a journal but a diary is a diary. I'm just happy knowing that he cares enough about me to buy me a gift.

For the first time in my life, I can truly express myself without worrying about what other people say. As long as I can remember, I was taught to never express my feeling. According to my Father, expressing my feelings is a weakness and on many occasions he tried to beat it out of me or simply deny me of what I want.

I remember one occasion that I indicated I was hungry and my Father had denied me food for a whole day. I was five at the time. I remember being dragged down to the dungeons; I remember being afraid and alone at that time.

Well, the last part didn't change much, I still feel as sad and lonely as I was back then. I, Draco Malfoy, just wish for someone to care for me. Just once, I want to feel loved. I want to know what it would feel like to be in someone's arms. Knowing that they would protect me from harm. Do I wish for too much?

Father would be so angry, if he found out what I truly want. I don't think my father was all that bad though, I mean, sure he would hit me sometimes but he loved me in his own way. I guess that he just wanted the best for me.

As a child, I wasn't allowed to make any friends because there was no one that my father approved of. Before I came to Hogwarts, I was usually by myself or with my father. One of the few things about my childhood that wasn't a bad memory was when he used to let me stay in the study room with him. He really didn't care what I did, as long as I was quiet.

Well, he can't say much now. I grew up thinking of my father as one of the most powerful men in the world. He taught me that Malfoys were leaders, not followers, but in my fourth year I found out that he had been following orders from a madman. Any illusion of a powerful man that I had of him, disappeared.

I started to question everything that I believed in. I grew up thinking that muggles were beneath me but when I tried to think of the reason why, the only thing I could come up with, was "Because Father said so".

It was two months ago, that I made the biggest decision of my life. I decided that the life my Father planned out for me was just not going to work. The idea of following orders and bowing down to someone doesn't sound all that appealing to me.

The most surprising thing was the fact that my father didn't kill me when I told him that. For the first time in my life he told me that he was proud of me. I didn't even understand his reaction; the worst part was when the news of his death appeared on the front cover of every newspaper the next day.

For the first time that I could remember, I had tears running down my face. I cried for a man that had beaten me for the past seventeen years of my life. What kind of sick person am I? I even miss him sometimes.

There are two people in the world that cause me pain like no other, the first person would be my father and the second is Potter. Since I declined to take the dark mark, I happened to find myself in the middle of a lot of accidents. Potter has never caused me any physical pain, however, he never stops Weasley or his fellow housemates from causing me pain either.

It was about a month ago when I tried to end my life. My father was gone, my Mother didn't even acknowledge my existence, and most of the people I used to hang around with were causing me pain. I didn't really have any reason to live back then.

Potter of course came to save the day, he gave me some hope. He became my friend in private, but he would never acknowledge me in public. It was like I was just his dirty little secret. Sometimes I would actually start to think that Potter truly cared for me but I knew that it could never be true. If he was truly my friend he would stop Weasley from hurting me.

It was only a few day ago that someone accidentally spilled a potion all over me. Weasley and Potter were ordered to take me to the nurse. However, Weasley held my arm really tight, causing the pain to be unbearable. I tried to push him away but I guess I wasn't strong enough. You know what the Golden Boy did? He simply shook his head at his friend.

I had always known what to expect from my father and the people around me, but Potter was different. I never really know what to expect from him. Sometimes, he would talk to me and sometimes he would totally ignore me. It's like he is two different people.

What causes my heart to ache the most is the fact that I love the time when he just talks to me. I like the fact that he tries to find the time to hang out with me and it makes me feel special.

He also has been acting all weird lately, too. Sometimes he will stand very close me and when he thinks I'm not looking at him, he stares at me; and what pisses me off the most is that we don't even fight properly anymore. Whenever I insult him, he simply ignores me, but if I insult Weasley he hurts me, and what makes matters worse is that I let him.

I know at the beginning I said I didn't like him, but I do. He is my first friend, did you know I had spend two weeks looking for a perfect Christmas gift for him? At the end I decided on a green scarf that matched his eyes. I was hoping he would like it but instead I saw Weasley using it.

I know it shouldn't matter but I spent time looking for that gift for him, even if he didn't like it he shouldn't have rubbed it in my face. I don't know if Potter is just really thick sometimes or if he likes the fact that he can hurt me.

I guess I will never really know what's going on in his mind. I won't say anything about the scarf or the fact that he doesn't stop his housemates from hurting me.

I'm just afraid that he will never talk to me again. I'm afraid to be alone again.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Tears of Life

Summary: Draco journal entry.

Pairing: Draco and Harry … it going to be slash

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Note: I want want to thanks imeldapotter for beta-ing this.

Dear Journal,

There are so many things that have happened since my last entry. Since Weasley and Granger left for the Christmas holidays, Harry has been hanging around me a lot.

At first I was happy that Harry was spending time with me rather then his housemates but lately he's been making me feel uncomfortable. Not only does he stand too close but for some strange reason, he's also picked up the habit of touching me. I don't mean it in a naughty way, it's just that no matter what we do he seems to find a way of touching me.

There have been many occasions when he takes my hand and pulls me along. He doesn't tell me anything, he just takes me to wherever he wants. He doesn't even ask me if I'm free or if I want to go. I find myself having very little option when it comes to Harry.

There are times where Harry gets too close and I instantly move away from him. He always mumbles an apology but five seconds later he's touching me again. I also think he has a thing for my hair; he always seems to find a reason to touch it.

I remember once waking up in the hospital wing and Harry was playing with it. I'm not sure how to tell him that he's making me uncomfortable. I'm also not allowed to use any hair gel anymore, he got mad at me the last time I used it. He never actually said anything but he did mention that he liked my hair better without gel. I'm scared that if I don't let him do what he wants he won't be my friend anymore.

I never really had any physical contact unless the person meant to hurt me, and every time Harry touches me, no matter how small, I tense up. I try to move away from him but he doesn't let me go. I have no idea what to do.

I realize I don't have anybody else but Harry. I can't seem to think of anyone else who I can talk to. I really can't see myself taking to Prof. Snape about my problems with Harry or the Headmaster.

Everyone thinks that Dumbledore is a kind old man but in fact he's just a manipulative control freak. Just because I don't want to join Voldemort, doesn't mean I want to risk my life fighting for Dumbledore either. At this very moment, Dumbledore is waiting for me to break down and ask for help. That is the reason why none of the people that cause me pain receive any punishment. I would rather be in pain then ask for his help.

As for Harry, I don't know where he fits in Dumbledore's grand scheme of things. All I know is that I like spending time with him. It's just when he gets to close my heart starts beating like crazy. I start having weird butterfly feelings in my stomach and I don't know how to act towards him. I've never experienced these feelings before; I wish I knew what they were.

Other than that, I just know that I happy when I with him. I don't feel as if I'm alone. I already think of him as a friend even though he still sees me as the Slytherin Brat. Just this morning he called me 'Heartless Brat' simply because I made someone cry. He didn't even ask what happened.

All I did was stop her from entering the Forbidden Forest, all I said was that she was a dim-witted Ravenclaw who must have be place in the wrong house because anyone with some intelligence would not enter the Forest just because of a simple bet. It wasn't that harsh, maybe she cried because I also said, "Not only are you ugly but you have the brain of a peanut, too." I just told her the truth. How was I to know she would cry?

The first thing Harry assumes is that I'm the bad guy. It hurts when he calls me heartless. I do care about a lot of thing but I just don't express them the same way as other people do. That doesn't mean I don't have a heart. What makes it worse is when he looks at me with disappointment.

I still don't know what I did wrong. I walked away from him because I felt the tears start running down my face. I hate myself for being this weak. I don't even know why Harry has so much power over me.

Harry still hasn't spoken to me since this morning. I guess I'll be alone tonight, I hope that Harry will talk to me soon. The holidays are ending and that means my time with him is limited.

Even though I know that I'm just a toy to him, I still value the time we spend together. I know that once Weasley and Granger are back, everything will go back to normal. I don't want to Harry to go back to ignoring me again but I know he will.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Tears of Life

Summary: Draco journal entry.

Pairing: Draco and Harry … it going to be slash

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Warning: Um this chapter also mentions a bit about child abuse.

Thanks: Once again I want mention how great imeldapotter is for fixing this story.

Note: I also like to thanks Cloud Green, Liria Nai, Spikedraco666, Dezra, Potter's Wifey, Mystiksnake and Cheekyamericangrl211 for your reviews. I happy to know that you guys like my story. :)

Dear Journal,

I'm so happy now. Harry has started to talk to me again; I'm not sure if he knows what really happened that day, he didn't even acknowledge it or offer an apology, but he did offer me some candy. I guess it's his way of saying sorry. I don't mind, as long has we can be friends I will be happy.

I really didn't want to get up this morning, I thought I'd be by myself again but when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw this morning was Harry's face. I hadn't seen or heard anything about Harry for the past two weeks. I assumed that he didn't want to be my friend anymore but I was wrong. For the first time in my life I was so happy to know that I was wrong.

When I woke up, I noticed that Harry was sitting beside my bed and he was gently playing with my hair. Instead of being afraid I found myself wanting to jump into his arms and never let go but like a true Malfoy I pushed his hand away and demanded to know what he was doing there. The git didn't say a thing, just gave me a smirk. Our roles seem to have swapped somehow but I'm happy that he was there. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him again.

For a short period after I woke up he just sat and stared at me, I started to play with my hand because I had become nervous and Harry just laughed at me. When I asked him how he entered the Slytherin dormitories he simply replied that "I have my ways." then dragged me out of bed to watch the sunrise with him.

It's times like these that I don't mind all the small annoying things that Harry does. We spent hours just talking and to me it was perfect. Harry has started to share his childhood with me. I'm happy to know that Harry is starting to trust me and it means so much to me, but I would never tell him that.

Somehow during our talk I found myself in his arms. I felt so safe and warm; I'm starting to look forward to his touch. At first it frightened me but now I feel comfort from those touches. However, I can't help but be afraid, I remember once when I was young, one of my father's friends used to touch me like Harry at the beginning.

He used to help me when I fell down and hurt myself. However, his touch slowly changed, at first he touched me like Harry but then he used to make me sit on his lap and sometimes he liked to tickle me. At first it felt weird but he said it was normal. I believed him; I think he would have any reason to lie. However, once Father found out he told me that those touches were wrong.

He informed me that there are some right and wrong touches. Without Father how will I know if Harry is touching me the right way or wrong way? I never really saw Father and Mother touch each other much. It was only at parties that they stood close to one other.

Mother was also never really around much, she was always at parties or on holidays. As for Father I remember that he used to hold me and hug me but after the incident with his friend it all stopped. The only time he would touch me after that was to punish me. I still wonder what I did wrong. I never did see him again.

Father didn't allow me to be alone with anyone after that. Even at school he told me not to let anyone touch me unless it was a handshake. I never did find out how to tell the different between the right and wrong touches. I don't bloody get it and they no ways I would ask someone to help me now. I'm turning seventeen soon and I don't know a bloody thing about friendships or relationships.

I know that Father wanted to protect me from some stuff but I feel as if he's causing me to have more problems then most boys my age. The only thing I can do now is to trust my instinct and at this moment it's telling me to trust Harry. I pray that Harry won't break my trust.

As we watched the sunrise, new hopes filled my heart. A new day and a new beginning, I decided to try and made a new friend today. After the sunrise, I somehow found myself in Harry's lap. At first I was frightened but I told myself to trust Harry. I found myself never wanting to let go.

Father never took the time to relax or enjoy the beauty of nature. There was so much stuff that I wanted to experience when I was little but was never allowed to. One by one, Harry is making my dreams come true.

I hope that we will have more moments like these. I don't think I'm asking for too much, I just want to be by Harry's side.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Tears of Life  
Summary: Draco dream.  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Thanks: I always need to imeldapotter is for fixing this story.

Note to my reviewer:  
Liria Nai: I so love your review. I love that way to tell what part to like.  
Potter's Wifey: I hope you love this chapter and even simple knowing that you like the chapter makes me happy.  
Cheekyamericangrl211: I love all my reviewers, but you have a special place. :) I hope you like this chapter.  
Senom thefev: Thank you for comment. When I first start writing this, I was scare that people wouldn't like how I portray Draco.

Dear Journal,

Last night I saw something and it's been effecting me ever since. When I returned to the dorm last night I saw Blaise and another boy kissing each other. Sure, I've seen people kiss before but last night it seemed so different. They were so gentle with each other. Blaise seemed to hold his partner with great care. They were kissing, caressing and staring at each other as if they were the only people alive.

I watched the way Blaise touched his lover with fascination, never before had I seen the type of emotion that they shared for each other. I'm not talking about two boys kissing, but the tenderness they have for each other.

Just before Blaise went further then second base I went to bed. I couldn't bring myself to watch anymore private moments, it didn't seem right.

As a child I had been told that I must marry a pureblood witch and produce an heir. It is the way of the purebloods, the name Malfoy must live on and that's what had been drilled into my head since before I could remember. To be with other boy is not forbidden, but to have a relationship with them is. But watching the love between them makes me wonder why producing an heir is so important.

The first time I saw someone kissing was an event that I could never forget. In my first year there were a lot of new things that I experienced and many of them made me blush like crazy. One of them was witnessing a few intimate moments between other Slytherins. The first time I saw someone kissing I thought they were attacking each other. It seemed to rough and violent to me. I even tried to break them apart from each other.

In the end they laugh in my face when I told them not to fight. Lucky for me there were no other witnesses. I later learned that their names were Jayna and Asher, they had been betrothed to other people but fell in love with each other at Hogwarts. They even tried to explain a few things to me. They said that there are different types of kisses, some are rough and passionate and some are soft and sweet. Apparently to share a kiss with somebody you need to love and trust the other person or it's wrong.

I still didn't really understand them; I was a bit confused because Father told me not to touch anyone. I even questioned my father about it, he simply replied that some people have different needs when they are older. After I questioned my Father, I rarely saw anyone kissing or touching each other anymore.

I still don't know why people would want to be covered in somebody else's sweat. It seems so dirty and wrong to me, but then again I don't seem to mind Harry touching me that much anymore.

Jayna and Asher were both from seventh year and they became my big brother and sister. They knew I didn't like to be touched and helped me though my first year. Jayna sometime even mothered me, I pretended to be annoyed at it but I secretly loved those moments. Asher just thought I was a brat but he would protect me from harm. I hope I didn't disappoint them with my choice. I'm too afraid to contact them now, I don't know whether they support Voldemort or not. If they do I don't want to hear their disappointment. I miss them sometimes.

The one good thing about Slytherins is that you know who your friends are, and if someone doesn't like you, you'll know it, we don't lie. However at this moment, there are a lot of Slytherins rethinking their choices after I made mine. I believe that many Slytherins fear for their safety and their parents.

There have been some people who asked me about my choice in secret, and I simply told them that it was their choice. I just reminded them to think very carefully. I asked them if they could live with themselves as a slave for the rest of their life or live with themselves knowing that their decision could possible kill a member of their family. I also added that it also possible to save their family member if they wanted to be slaves. I hope that they will make the right choice for them, and not for other people.

There a lot of people in the other houses that automatically assumes that Slytherin is full of dark wizards and witches. This clearly shows how stupid they are, why would Hogwarts have a house for dark people? Slytherins are meant to be cunning, that doesn't mean we're evil. I was picked on by other houses a few times, but Asher protected me. He told me that I should use any force necessary to protect myself.

I learned that by being mean and nasty it keeps people from hurting me, however it also keeps people away from me. Now I 'm so used to it, I can't help myself. I hope that one day I could learn to be myself. I want to be known as Draco, not as Malfoy.

I think that after I watched Blaise I wanted something that I never thought possible. I had always longed for a friend and my parents' love, but I never really thought about having a lover that actually loved me. Before refusing the Dark Mark, my life was already planned out for me, I always assumed that I would marry the person my father chose for me.

Before I went to sleep all these new possibilities were running though my head. I think this is where it all went wrong. I was also thinking about Harry. Since Weasley and Granger came back Harry's been so happy. I was happy because Harry was happy. I don't know why but I was. This emotion thing doesn't make much sense. I once tried to find the logic behind each emotion and I ended up being more confused then I was at the beginning. Now I just expect the fact that I'm happy.

Usually Harry would spend time with me after dinner, but since his friends are back, I knew that he would be too busy. I knew what would happen when they came back, but I couldn't believe how much it hurt when he left with his friends without even looking in my direction.

In my dream I was lying in bed with a figure atop me. We were both completely naked. Though I couldn't see the person's face because it was so dark, I could tell that the person was a boy because I felt something poking at me. He was touching me in places where no one ever touched me before and it felt so good that it scared me.

His hands seemed so rough but yet so gentle. I tried to push him away but he wouldn't budge, it was so frightening. His moments become much bolder; I could feel his hand moving toward my leg and my heart started to beat like crazy. I had lain completely still unable to move but then he suddenly stopped. He lifted his hand and somehow the room was filled with light.

The instant I saw his face I calmed down a bit. It was Harry, he smiled at me then whispered in my ear "Calm down, you know I would never hurt you", he sounded so seductive. I wanted to believe him but my body was still so tense. He looked at me with love in his eyes, then it looked like he was going to kiss me, but I woke up before anything happened.

Now everytime I'm with Harry I can't help but be drawn to his lips. Just this morning he complained that I wasn't listening to him. All that I could think of were his lips. I wonder if they taste as sweet as they look.

----

I was wondering if someone could sent me the date of when school start and finish in Scotland. I live in Australia, so our school holidays are complete different. We don't have the whole summer off.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Tears of Life

Chapter: 5

Pairing: Draco and Harry … it going to be slash

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Note: Sorry for the delay again, my beta, imeldapotter, has been sick, however darkfairy224 had offer to beta this chapter, which I am thankfull for.

SLNS: Thank you for the timetable.

Liria Nai: I don't think I ever get sick from hearing anything from you, I total love your review.  
Potter's Wifey: Soon, very soon. :)

Weee...: Thank you for the timetable as well. It nice to know that you had fun reading the story. :) Don't worry I'm sure Draco don't mind you having fun at his pain...hehehe.

Dear Journal,

A week has past since the dream, and I still seem to be drawn to Harry lips. He thinks I've been a brat for not listening to him. It's not my fault for being so distracted! If anyone is to blame, it's him. I mean, I never asked him to save my life, I didn't ask him to be my friend, and I sure as hell didn't plan to like him. It all started with his touches; if he hadn't touched me in the first place I wouldn't have dreamt about him. If anyone has the right to be angry it's me.

I really don't know if Harry and I could be friends. We always end up fighting. The one thing that is really getting to me is that Harry is allowed to me busy, but I can't! If Harry wants to spent time together, he just pops up out of the blue and expects me to drop what I'm doing every time.

Since everyone came back, there been so many things that been going on in the Slytherin House. The students are finally making up their mind about what they want to do in life, and for most of them; joining Voldemort is one of the last things on their list.

For the past few days, I really haven't had that much time to myself. Every time Harry wants to do something, I always end up going, but sometimes I'm so tired that I fall asleep on his lap or use his shoulder as a pillow. He has been demanding to know what I have been doing lately as well. I just smirk at him and say that it's a secret. I do this for one reason and one reason only, I know it will bug the hell out him.

The truth is, I have been trying to help as many people as I can. Plus, the less people join Voldemort, the better chance of Harry staying alive. I'm not some kind of hero, I just want Harry to be safe.

Harry been angry at me lately too, he thinks I've been ignoring him, and for some strange reason, he doesn't like the fact that Blaise been hanging around me lately. He keeps saying that Blaise is no good. I really don't understand him, he full on screams at me for letting Blaise hug me, but he hugs me all the time, so why can't Blaise? I asked Blaise boyfriend, Jason if Blaise hugging me was wrong, but he replied that Blaise is one of those types of people who likes to hug and hold the people he really cares about. So now the rule of touching has become much more confusing. A hug can be a friendly gesture or it could be a sign of affection, it all just depends on the people? Who makes up all these rules anyway?

Blaise first started to talk to me because whenever I'm around him I blush. When I see him I can't help but remember the scene I walked in on! It must have been very confusing to see me blush every time he was in the same room as me. In the end, he walked right to me and asked me why. So I told him the truth, I didn't see a point in lying. At first he though I had a crush on him, I had to ask him what did he mean by that and once again I got laughed at. When he explained it to me, I came to the conclusion that I had a crush on Harry. Bloody Hell!

Blasie and I have been getting to know each other behind the mask of Slytherin, and to my surprise, I find that Blaise is truly an interesting person. We also have been helping the Slytherin students for the past week. In the short amount time I've known him, I feel as if we've always been friends.

He doesn't expect me to follow his every command, but with Harry it's more about what he wants to do not what we both want. Harry has been trying to change my perspective on Muggles and of few other things. What he doesn't realize is that I really don't hate them. I've always wanted to know how they live without magic, but I didn't think my father would have approved of me taking Muggle studies. Oh well.

Helping my fellow house mates makes me feel really good. I don't tell them what to do, I just give them the advice that they ask me for. I don't making them join Dumbledore nor do I turn them against him, but I do tell them that they could go to him and ask for protection.

Basically, Blaise and I have been helping them find the best solution. Plus, we also have been helping each other learn more defense moves. I know that Harry has been doing the same thing with the other house members.

I find this strange but I never question Harry abut it. Why does everyone put their neck on the line to help other students, but can't even lift their hand to help a Slytherin? The main reason why so many of our parents became Death Eaters in the first place is because there was no other option available to them. Why would they say no to Voldemort when he offers all those promises and protection? Even if they want to back out later, how could they? With death threats, hanging in the air, and no one to turn to, who could they possibly go to for help? Dumbledore? I highly doubt it! I heard Father once say that Snape nearly got kill by a werewolf and Black got a detention. I don't think many Slytherins those days believed that Dumbledore would protect them. Now that it is the next generation's turn, the same thing is happening all over again. What did the past generation teach their children? That the Slytherin house is full of dark wizards? Sometimes I wonder how our society has lasted so long.

I guess the main reason I could say 'no' is because I'm a Malfoy. I was taught that I'm better that anyone else, so I really don't see the reason why I should follow Voldemort. After I made my choice it, allowed many of the other students to think of what they truly want.

I'm no hero, but I would help any Slytherin student who asks me for help, but don't get me wrong, I'm not putting my life on the line for them. Voldemort already wants me dead, to set an example for all the other people to see what happens when someone denies him. So, for every person I save; the less power Voldemort has. Which in the end, increases my chance of living longer. However, all this effort is not just for me, but Harry, too. Right at the moment, I think it has been a total waste of time.

Just this morning, Harry laughed at me. Sure, I don't expect him to help me out, but when he laughed at my pain and humiliation, it really, really hurt. Weasley once again decide to curse me, this time the curse was meant to make is lose my balance. I not sure if he realized how the curse worked, but what he actually did was break every bone in my leg. The moment the curse hit me, I landed flat on my face and felt like Hagrid decide to jump on me a few times. Harry though it was funny.

When Blaise came running toward me to help me, I noticed that Harry seemed to be angry because he was helping me. Why didn't he want someone to help me? Did he like seeing me in pain? I not sure what really happened after that, I heard Blaise yelling at Weasley, but I not sure what he said. I was too busy looking at Harry. When he heard Blaise mention about how the curse actually works his face when slightly pale, but he let himself be dragged away by Weasley. He didn't even help me when he realizes the amount of pain I was in. I had tears running down my face; I don't if it because of physical pain I was in or because I was watching Harry being dragged away.

Even though I know that I must mean nothing to Harry, I still wish for Harry to visit me tonight. Is it wrong of me? I feel so angry at him when he laughed at me, but when I watch Weasley drag him away, I couldn't help but want him to be by my side.

Damn. I'm crying again. Since Harry became my friend there has been many nights where I cry myself to sleep. I never really had experienced any true happiness before Harry. Back then, I was simply happy to spend time with my father without getting beat up. At this moment, I'm not sure which one is better. Now that Harry has shown me the meaning of happiness, every past rejection and pain feels so much worst then before. It was only a few months ago that when Harry insults me I could just ignore it but now it would bring tears into my eyes. I hate this bloody weakest.

Draco Malfoy

----

_Sorry if I made Draco a bit to girly._


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, but I sure wish I do:)

Very short chapter,

aa: Your review made me laughed, it nice to know that you don't agree with the first review.

Dear Journal,

I know I only wrote a few hours ago but Harry just visited me, he left just a few minutes ago. He kissed me! He came around midnight to apologize. We spoke for a bit and then he kissed me. Did I mention he kissed me?

I don't know the exact time Harry came to visit me, but when I woke up I found him holding my hand and apologizing repeatedly. When I saw the worry in Harry eyes, I found myself forgiving Harry for not helping me.

He also promised to stop Weasley from hurting me. I'm just so happy to know that Harry cares enough about me to try to stop Weasley. Don't get wrong, I'm still a Malfoy though, and I'm going to make Weasley pay.

When we were talking, I found myself staring at his lips again. I guess he finally noticed, he called me 'a bloody tease' before crushing his lips against mine. The moment his lips touched mine my body completely froze. I wanted to know what it was like, but I don't know what to do.

I just laid there and let Harry have his way with me; somehow his hand had found a way under my shirt. When his hand brushed against my nipple it made me gasp. The moment my mouth opened he stuck his tongue down my throat. At first, it felt weird, but I soon found myself liking it.

It felt so different than what I was expecting, that kiss made my whole body tingle. It was soft, and yet rough. I don't know how to explain it; but I do know that I want more.

Draco Malfoy


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Thanks: Darkfairy had once again beta this chapter...imeldapotter is still sick.  
Note to my reviewers:  
Potter's Wifey: It nice to know that you love it. :)  
Liria Nai: I believe that any author recieve your review would be truly happy. :) You say so many nice things about my story that I can't believe. At first my sister told me to stop writing because there no point... so I didn't really think I could write well. As for writing a book...um I would love too :) however I think you're the only person who might buy it...hehehe but I might write an original story and post it up after this story. As for loving Draco, I do! Don't worry he will get back at Ron but he doesn't punch him.  
Cheekyamericangrl211: Of course Draco is a uke... hehehe

----

Dear Journal

After our first kiss, I wasn't sure how to act around Harry, but he still just acts normally. I'm not even sure if we're going out. I mean, I know that he likes to kiss me, but that's it. I don't mind it, I love those moments where he just holds me, but he's not always soft and sweet to me. I hate those moments when he goes farther then I'm comfortable with. I once had to push Harry off because he wouldn't listen to me. Harry's not all that bad; just some times I think he listens to what's between his legs more than his head.

The positive thing about that is, I have learned more about Harry since the kiss, he has opened up to me like never before. His life isn't as pleasant as I first thought it was. In many ways it is a bit similar to mine. He grew up unloved with only the necessary things to live. He had a roof over his head and just enough food to keep him alive.

I know many people believe my life is great, but it isn't. At least Harry knows that his parent loved him. I still question if that true for my case. I had everything a kid could dream of, but love and affection. My parent made sure I had the best of everything; not to make me happy, but to show that they were better then other parents.

Where Harry had to cook and clean, I had to learn about curses and how to be pretty. My father wants me to be powerful and to live up to the Malfoy name, as for my mother, I am more like a pretty toy to show off at party.

According to my mother "Malfoys don't get fat," I can only eat when she allows me too. I dress how she wants me to, and I even walk how she wants me to. I think she started to keep her distance from me after people started saying that I'm more beautiful then her. There was also the time where my father's friend had touched me.

Father was so angry at Mother at that time; he had stopped many of the activities that Mother had planed for me. I still eat, walk and dress how she wants me to. I wanted to please her, but no matter what I do she doesn't seem to care for me anymore. Sometimes I think she raised me up more like a girl than a boy. No guys in my year seem to take that much care of their appearance. Harry sometimes looks like he got dressed in the dark.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to wear a bloody dress or anything. I hate how girls sometimes giggle and laugh at the most ridiculous things. There only a few girls that I can stand, but then again some of the guys around here are just plain stupid. All they think about is just getting laid.

There a war going on and some people don't seem to care or notice. They think about the latest fashion or their latest conquest. I'm far too busy trying to find a way for me to survive this war with Harry. You know, he has so many plans for after the war. I wish I could say the same. At the moment I just want the war to be over so I can live my life. Even if I do survive the war, I don't know if my dream will ever come true. I want to be a healer, but would people trust me enough to place their life in my care? Maybe I can move somewhere far away where no one knows the name Malfoy.

I finally got back at Weasley. I made him declare his undying loved for me in main hall. It was nice to see Weasley following me like a little lost puppy. He walked right up to me and shouted that he loves me during breakfast. When I told him that I though he was going out with Granger, he said that he would never go out with her because she was like a sister to him. The funny part was when Granger walked towards me her heard Weasley say "She was an overbearing know it all who needs to go out and have some fun. She's more of a boy then a girl." At this point most of the Slytherins were laughing and a few of the other house members. Granger was so upset she ran out of the hall.

I though it was funny until Weasley try to grope me. Lucky for me Harry stop Weasley from doing anything. I was relieved when the potion wore off; Weasley had this sick look on his face and run away. Some of the students still snigger when he is around.

Harry gave me a disappointed look, but I didn't care. Weasley has been causing me problems for some time now. I guess along the way I forget who I am, I was too busy in self pity and worrying about Harry's opinion that I forget to be me. If Harry wants me, he needs to expect that I'm a Malfoy and nothing is ever going to change that. Not Voldemort, Dumbledore; not even him.

However, I don't think Harry liked that, he punished me for hurting his friend. After our potion lesson, Harry had pushed me into one of the empty classroom and kissed the life out of me. I don't like it when Harry is rough with me and he knows it. It was his way of letting me know that he's in charge.

I have a feeling that what ever relationship I have with Harry, it's not a normal one. He still doesn't acknowledge me in public, but he somehow stopped all the attacks coming from his house. I wonder he wants me to be he dirty little secret forever? If he does, I know that I can't live with that, soon or later, I know that I must be strong enough to walk away from Harry.

Draco Malfoy


	8. Chapter 8

I don't own Harry Potter..

Sorry for the wait...

Liria Nai: To me Harry not the perfect hero, he grew up thinking that he was a freak and then, out of the blue he become a hero to a world that he never heard about. There a lot more to Harry but due to way I have written this story, there no way in telling how he truly thinks or feel. As for the original story, it very likely that I will write one :) thanks for the encouragement.

Potter's Wifey: Thanks, I hope you like the next chapter :)

Dear Journal

I think Harry lives just to torment me. His gives me mixed messages that confuse the hell out of me. Sometimes I think I'd trade my father for Harry. At first, I thought that we were friends and then, something more, now I have no clue what we are. However, I decided to play a game with Harry to find out where I stand in his life; and I hope I win.

That day after potion lesson when Harry kissed me roughly he has kept his distance. I refuse to apologize or make the first move, I know I did nothing wrong and even thought before, apart from Harry hurting me so much, I refuse to change who I am completely to please Harry.

For this past week Harry seems to be hanging around a blonde haired blue eyed girl from Ravenclaw, she is a year below me and her name is Lisa. At less I know Harry is attracted to my look, but it makes me question why Harry hangs around me in the first place. Does he even like me for who I am?

From what I learned, he met her in the library and somehow they started talking to one and other. At first, I thought this was just some other form of punishing me for hurting Weasley, but I know now it's not. Every time Harry is with her it seems like his eye light up. I fear that I am going to lose Harry soon; not because I walked away.

That's not even the worst part! Harry flirts with her out in the open for everyone to see, it's like he's stuffing it in my face. It hurts the most when he looks straight at me while he is holding her hand. There even are a few rumors now about them being a couple.

I really want to be strong and not let Harry affect me, but at this point I know I'm not strong enough. I feel as if Harry just ripped out my heart and used it like a yoyo. I assume that Harry likes me, well at least a little. He has been so gentle with me, showering me with affection, and he even gave me my first kiss. He's the bloody golden boy! So why is he toying with my feelings?

I had force myself to be busy to try and forget about Harry, but it doesn't work. I just can't seem to forget about Harry no matter what I do. Instead, I have been trying to avoided Harry by spending any free time in the library with Blaise for the past two weeks, I even started to find myself walking there if I not paying attention to where I'm going.

Granger once again thinks I'm up to no good. I mean, how much do I have to prove before people understand I don't want to join Voldemort? I had refused his mark, I'm on the list of people he wants to kill, and my father died because I wouldn't join.

She may be one of the smartest witches around, not that I would ever tell her. But I don't think she really understands that there no black or white answer when it came to people; life is only shade of grey. I have to be careful not to let her know what going on. I do not know what she would do, but I fear that in the process of what she believes is right might end with a few people dying.

At this moment, I'm not sure how to help the students. How will I know who truly wants to refuse the dark mark? If I allow spies into the group it would just like I was handing the rest of the student population to Voldemort on a silver platter. I am trying to find a way to keep informed and it is becoming very difficult with Granger looking over my shoulder.

I know I said that I won't contact Dumbledore, but now my goal has changed. There have been a few students that volunteered to be spy and gather information; they know that their lives can end in any moment. I don't want them place their lives on the line without any backup. The information they gather, I past it along to the headmaster. I may not like Dumbledore, but I do understand that he's one of the strong factors that would help win the war for the light side. With a hand full of lives placed in my hands I can't afford to pretend I know everything.

You know Granger even told Weasley and Harry about my action. Sometimes, the four of them would sit in the library just to watch me. Yes, I do mean the four of them Harry always has Lisa by his side.

Out of the four, only two of them watch me, however only Granger watches me to look for clues. I really don't know why she bothers to drag them along in the first place. Weasley can't even look into my eye! I believe that scene in the hall was a bit too recent for him and Lisa, well what can I say about her? Nothing really, but I just hope she rots in hell! Bloody man stealer! She did try to talk to Harry but he was too busy looking at me to pay any attention to her, so she talked to Ron instead. As for Harry, it seems like he was trying to kill Blaise with his eyes. I never saw him so angry before.

I noticed that every time Blaise gets too close Harry seems to get angrier. Blaise told me that he is jealous, which I really don't understand fully. Harry knows I like him, doesn't he? He hasn't spoken a word to me for the past two weeks; he's been hanging around Lisa all the time. And now he's jealous? It just doesn't make sense! But if this is the way to make him understand that I won't just wait for him, I guess I'll have to play a game with Harry then. I just I need to find a perfect partner for the game but who?

Draco Malfoy

---

Note: If anyone want to read a story from Harry point of view, I had written one a few years ago, "Is it really over". It a one shot and it not slash.


	9. Chapter 9

I don't own Harry Potter...

Potter's Wifey: Hehehe...true true I can't picture Draco being weak forever.

AngelikRebel: LOL...like a say before, I can't picture Draco letting Ron walk all over him or anyone else.

animerocksjapanrocks: thanks for your comment :) and I agree with you, anime total rocks!!

xxpapercutxx: LOL, you should always do you homework first, hehehe but then again I can't say much ...Draco is hopeless when it come to relationship but he have Harry to show him when Harry not being an ass. I also agree with you about how hard to write a slash without making the uke character too girly. It nice to know that my Draco is still masculine.

Liria Nai: Don't worry about Blaise, for now he's safe. :) but maybe I torture him later...hehehe and I never get sick of you... To me Harry doesn't own many things and now he view Draco as his and he just doesn't like to share. Harry is being an ass but he will learn that Draco is not a toy. hehehe Draco will stand up for himself and Harry will need to learn and re-adjust.

Chapter 9

Harry cares! He kissed me in front of everyone in the hall today! He wouldn't let me go until Snape yelled at him about public indecency. I was so surprised; it took only one day before Harry kissed me out in the open. What was really strange was out of everything I did, he cracked when he saw me sitting next to Ginny, and we weren't even doing anything, we were just talking. For a whole day, I sometimes whispered something in Ginny ears, held her hand, I even sent her a gift the night before and it did nothing to him, but a simple conversation made him crack. I really don't understand him sometimes.

After that day in the library, I didn't know who to choose to be my partner. I was about to ask either Blaise or Jason but Ginny asked for the job instead. I was so confused at the beginning; I didn't know why she wanted to help me. Her reply made be wonder why she wasn't in Slytherin. Apparently, Lisa and Ginny have a history together and she wishes to get her back, plus if she can't have Harry no other girl should and she also added, 'the two hottest guys in school together, that just turns me on'… Strange girl.

I was at the library when she asked if she could help me get Harry. Harry and company were once again in the library sitting in the same spot. I was so shocked at the time; I couldn't come up with any insult. She placed herself on my lap and told me to look at Harry. I thought Harry was mad before about Blaise, well let's say Harry was a lot angrier with Ginny on my lap then Blaise sitting beside me. I simply nodded my head and she dragged out of the library.

I never really paid that much attention the Ginny before, the first time I noticed her was when she stuck up for Harry once in my second year. She seemed so different compared to Weasley (the other one at least…), she didn't give a damn that I was a Malfoy or give a damn about me in general. As strange as it may sound, I like it. Weasley, on the other hand simply hates me because I'm a Malfoy, if I don't start the fight, he will.

We were just sitting at the Slytherin table together at lunch time; Ginny was telling me another embarrassing moment of Weasley's and it was nice change just to sit and talk, enjoying the moment and not worrying about anything else. I was so caught up in the conversation that I didn't even notice Harry and Weasley heading toward us until Weasley demanded to know what going on. Ginny didn't even blink before answering, "That she was having lunch with her friend."

It was weird to see the two siblings arguing with one another. I always wanted other brother or sister to play with, but Mother didn't want to ruin her figure. I wonder what it would be like to have a younger sibling to look after or an older sibling to look after me, just one more thing that Weasley has and I don't.

My highlight of the scene was when Weasley asked Ginny if we were going out. When Ginny replied 'If I was, it's none of your bloody business' you should of seen his face! It looked like steam was coming out of his ears. I got to hand it to Ginny, out of the past six years I've tried to make his life hell, but Ginny could tick him off without even trying. Plus this was what made Harry kiss me.

Before Weasley made a scene, Harry grabbed me and kissed me. It was so out of the blue, the moment his lips touched mine everything else disappeared. His lips were so demanding, he forced me the open my mouth, and took what he wanted from me. The kiss was so hot that it made my whole body tingle.

During the entire scene, Harry didn't even say a word, he looked so mad, but he let Weasley do all the talking. If anything, I thought he was going to punch the lights out of me. Put I preferred the kiss to a bloody nose…

After the Snape yelled at Harry, the hall was in complete silence, Weasley stared at us with his mouth right open, it looked like he was going to say something, but then he completely fainted. The moments his body dropped everyone seemed to be yelling and shouting. As for Ginny, she was fanning herself; it looks like she enjoyed the kiss more than I did.

Lisa had stormed right up to me and was about to slap me, but Harry grabbed her hand in time. That evil bitch wanted to slap me, who the hell does she think she is? I'm Draco Malfoy! What gave her the right to even consider slapping me? What was shitty about the whole thing was Harry believed her when she told him she thought I had put Harry in some spell and she wanted to free Harry from me. How does slapping me break any spell? I need to find a way to humiliate her without Harry tracing it back to me.

I was about to defend myself when Harry calmly stated that what he did with his boyfriend is nobody's business and anyone who wished the hurt me in anyway would have to answer to him. He looked at everyone to make sure that they got the message; then dragged me out of the hall.

He called me his boyfriend out in public; I just can't express how that single sentence makes me feel. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget what he put me though just because he kissed me and called me his boyfriend. I know that I need to let him know the relationship I have with him needs to change if he wants me to be a part of his life. But, for that afternoon, I just wanted to spend some time with him.

He took me to our place, I not sure if I mentioned this before, but our place is where we watch the sunrise together, it is beside to lake and is hidden from view. Harry was about to say something to me and I told him to say it later. I know that we need to talk, but I just wanted to be in his arms and not worry about anything else. It felt so nice just to be close to him after being apart for so long. When he held me in his arms I felt like it was where I belong, but does he feel the same way?

I'm no longer his dirty secret; I'm now his boyfriend out in public, but does this solve all of our problems? I guess I get have to wait and see.

Draco Malfoy


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.

Thanks: I got to thank darkfairy224 for fixing this chapter.

**Note to my reviewer:**

**Liria Nai:** Even thought now that the relationship out in to open, Harry still have a lot to learn. As for Ginny I just love her character. :) I always love to know what you think...

**Potter's Wifey:** LOL, Draco always get what he want. :)

**Cheekyamericangrl211:** Thank for the hug. :) and I'll try not to hurt Draco too much and your very welcome.

**AngelikRebel:** What could you possible be hinting...hehehe

**xxpapercutxx:** As much as I love Draco, I can't help but to hurt him a little bit more.

**A note to all, I total SORRY for the long wait.**

If I had known the reaction I was going to get by being Harry's boyfriend; I would rather it had remained hidden. Sure, Harry promised to protect me from physical harm, but he doesn't do a thing when they verbally abuse me. Sure, I dish out insults left and right to anyone who dares say something to me, but hearing the same things from sunrise to sun set starts getting to you.

So far, it has been a week since Harry kissed me in public, and everything else is mess. I had even started to respect and value the friendship of Weasley, not Ron of course (that git can die for all I care!), I meant Ginny and Charlie. Since I've gotten to know Ginny, I have been spending time with her brother as well. He has been teaching 'Care of Magical Creatures' since the beginning of the year. I just never mentioned him before because it wasn't important, but now since I have gotten to know him, he is starting to play an important role my life. Whenever I talk to him, I feel free; like I can be me and he wouldn't look at me funny or even care. Plus, I'm happy when I'm with him.

I'm not going to leave Harry, but I do realize how much my father has influenced me. Without him, everything seems so different from before. I never would have looked at Charlie without thinking that he was the wrong sort of person and now, by simply thinking of him I gain another cute older brother. When I see him, he always asks if there is anything wrong, it doesn't seem like much but it means the world to me.

Sure, people know that Harry and I are together, but Harry doesn't show me any affection in public after the kiss. Even though he seems to let everyone know that I'm his. He bloody marks me! I have this ugly love bite on my neck and he doesn't allow me to cover it me! I tried so many times to cover it up, but Harry always finds some way to uncover it.

I feel very foolish when he marks me, but the beginning of when we started to fool, around I felt as if Harry really liked me. It was the first time that I didn't protest when he started to strip me naked, I was so lost in the kiss that I didn't realize what he was doing until I was down to my boxer shorts. At first, I refused to be completely naked, but due that Harry promising not to do any more than just touching, I agreed.

It feels strange at first, I was completely naked, and Harry was looking at me like I was some sort of dessert! I tried to cover up, but Harry kept saying that I was beautiful. He removed my hand and just kissed me all over (and I mean all over)! I hope no one ever reads this, but it was the first time I have ever had an orgasm. I never felt the need to touch myself before and it felt like I was dying from pleasure and had been bought back to life.

At first, his touches were slow and gentle; it felt like he was trying to memorize my body by touching every single inch of me. There was this feeling that was growing within me, the more he touched me the more this weird feeling grew and become so strong that it exploded and I made a mess. I was afraid that Harry was going to be angry at me, but when I saw him lick it, I was so surprised! I asked him about it and he laughed so hard he fell off the bed and told me I completely destroy the mood.

I was too embarrassed to ask any more questions, and once Harry recovered from laughing he just got up and held me and told me not to ever change. I ended up going to the library and trying to learn more about it. I did try and ask Charlie, but he turned bright red and mumbled a few word and said he was busy. We're both guys so why won't anyone answer my question? Maybe I should ask Snape? He's the only other father figure I have, but it is kind of embarrassing…

I didn't even realize the love bite until Blaise pointed it out, when he tried to have a closer look Harry growled at him. The first words out of Harry's mouth was 'He's mine', and for some reason every time Blaise gets within two feet of me Harry either gives him a dirty look or snarls at him! I got him to stop by refusing to kiss him after he growls or is mean to my friends. Now he only growls at Blaise for hugging me, I tried several methods to stop him but, nothing worked, I even told him that Blaise already has a boyfriend. I guess I had to live with it. Harry's not the one at fault here; Blaise is having the time of his life getting under Harry's skin. I hope Harry doesn't do anything to Blaise; even though he may deserve it.

On the topic of friends, his side just sucks. The only people worth talking to are Ginny, Neville, and Charlie. Other than that, they are all a bunch of losers. I mean, I didn't plan to be with Harry! He was the one who started it all and they look at me as if I've turned Harry into some dark lord.

I can even hear them whisper about how I've affected Harry sometimes, but it's not my fault that he is a possessive git! However, even I can see how possessive he has gotten, and in some was it frightens me a little. I want to talk to him more about, it but I don't know what to say.

Both of us have been bombarded with questions left and right, we barely have a moment to ourselves without being interrupted. Our relationship isn't that strong yet and having people questioning our every move is not helping us. I also feel as if we are drifting apart as time go by.

There are some people who were freaking out, well mainly the Muggle born and half bloods, they seem to think that two guys together is wrong, I always tell them that 'The are several gay couples enjoying wonderful gay sex right now' just to see their faces all flushed as they walk away. I don't get why they believe that only the opposite sex can fall in love with one another. You don't fall in love with a person because they look a certain way, so why would their gender matter? To them there are even rules that say who and when you love, which I believe is pointless. The war is just around the corner and people can die at any moment! To refuse someone based on there gender is just plain stupid.

This lead me to the talk that Harry and I had, I learn that I'm not the only one confused about our relationship. He told me he has strong feelings for me, but like most Muggle born and half bloods, the idea of being with the same sex is foreign to him. The only thing that he's sure of is that he doesn't like the idea of anyone else touching me. He admits that he was jealous of Blaise and Ginny, but when I pointed out that he had Lisa hanging off him he said he was confused. Confused my ass! Sure, he told me the whole story but it didn't make me feel any better.

He says at first she reminded him of me, so that made me feel better. He was about to drop me just because there a female version of me. Then he added that he felt an attraction to her at the beginning, but as he got to know her, he realized that she was completely different from me. The more he spoke, the angrier I got. He was digging his grave and didn't even know it! Of course she was different, I'm Draco Malfoy, who else could be better then me? If I didn't love him, I'd curse his dick to fall off.

Damn! I can't believe I just wrote that. I, Draco Malfoy, am completely in love with the hopeless golden boy, Harry Potter; and all he has is just strong feelings for me! I have to talk to Charlie after this, I always feel better when I talk to him.

As for the purebloods, they think I'm destroying my family name. I'm the last Malfoy and if I don't produce an heir it will be the end of the Malfoys. There are even some news articles that about the history of Malfoys that question me about choosing Harry as my partner, some even demand that I marry a respectable female! Harry doesn't even try to help, he is happy knowing that I chose him.

Since the news is out, Mother has sent me a letter, which I haven't read it yet, I afraid of knowing what she wrote. I also receive a letter from Asher and Jayna, I don't which letter is worse, so I refuse the open either of them, at the moment the letters are at the bottom of my draw; and they have been there for the past week.

I have to go to the Slytherin meeting now, I hope next week is better; but I have a feeling that it going to be a lot worse.

Draco Malfoy

----

Um...just want ask, is the rating okay? I don't think, I need to move it up but I just want to make sure.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, but I sure wish I do:)

**To all my readers:** I'm total SORRY for the long wait. I had a writer block, started summer class(I live in Australia) and I also work. In other words I was completely busy.

**AngelikRebel:** Thank you for pointing my mistake out. What would you like Draco to do? Kiss the bad Harry away or bash the crap out of him...

**Silverdragon4736:** That so sweet, it nice to know that you like it. If you laugh and cried, I must be doing something right.

**Potter's Wifey:** I always smile when I read your reviews.

**Liria Nai**: Your reviews always make me happy. I glad that you like how I portray Blaise and Ginny. I love my Draco too. It's true that Draco should read the letter but he doesn't want to face the possible of losing the friendship he had with Asher and Jayne yet or read how disappointed his mother is with him. Even though he doesn't know what the letter contain he couldn't help think that way.

**Mase3:** I finally got a new chapter for you, I hope you like it.

-----

Dear Journal,

I was right, this week has been much worst then the week before. Hogwarts was full of tension; and it not because of Voldemort. I never imagined my relationship with Harry would have this kind impact on the school. It is like the entire school is divided, there are some who are trying to break us apart, and some who simply refuse to accept the fact that we are going out. There are also a few who just don't care.

I'm not sure where Weasley and Granger fit in, but I think that they are just refusing to believe that Harry is with me. However, I clearly know what Lisa thinks of it. She is on top of my most hated list, whenever I see her, I just want to strangle the life out of her and tell her to left my Harry alone. I would like to say she is a dumb bitch, but she's not; I must admit she got a brain, Harry thinks she is all happy for us, but when Harry not around she shows her true self to me. She told me straight out that she wants Harry and is willing to do anything within her power to have him.

What I also find strange, is that, people are more concerned about my relationship then the upcoming battle with Voldemort. I could only hope that people will lose interest soon. Harry hasn't said a word to me about how he feels about it, but then again he hasn't been talking to me much lately.

I know he's been meeting with the headmaster, and is teaching his DA gang or members or whatever you call them. He seems so tired and stressed lately. Every time I see him, he seems so pale and it doesn't look like his getting enough sleep, there bags under his eye. I know that he's preparing for the war and all, but I wish it was like before.

I tried to help him relax, but I think this is where I made a big mistake. I try not to protest too much about how Harry doesn't want to spend time together unless it's with my ass. I think that with the final battle so close, that there a big chances that either Harry or I will make it. I don't want to spend our time fighting over stupid things, but Harry is being such an ass lately I don't know if I could hold back any more. I just want to punch him until he becomes my Harry again. There are even times where I feel dirty when I'm with him and I sometime fear him, too. I hope that this feeling won't last; I miss the Harry that I used to know.

Every time I try to say something; he would always places a finger on my lips and tries to get me naked as soon as possible. I ignored it at first; thinking that Harry must be stressed, but then he started to be more controlling I didn't know what to do. I have told Charlie about this, he told me to talk to Harry; but that just the thing! Harry doesn't want to listen to me. I don't know what to do yet, but if Harry is going to be like this I'm going to remind him that I'm Draco MAFLOY. I'm serous thinking about punching him.

On another matter, I finally gave in and read Asher and Jayna's letter. They warned me that Voldemort is going to make his move soon, and they also told me to spend the next week or two as if it were my last. I was relieved to learn that they still care for me; they remind me to live for myself. Which is absolutely right, why should I get a damn what other people think? They always seem to know what to say and when to say it. I truly miss them; I hope I'll be able to see them again some day. If it wasn't for them and Charlie, I wouldn't know what to do.

Charlie has been great; Blaise, Jason and Ginny have been helping me out too, but just talking to Charlie clams me down and enables me to think straight. If this week was going to be my last, I would have liked to spend every minute with Harry, but it is impossible.

I have been meeting with Dumbledore too, the plan has been finalized and spells have been taught and learned; but is it enough? We are children who are in a middle of a war that we don't want to be. We might have to take another person's life to stay alive. What if the person you have to kill, is the person you grew up with? Can I take other person's life? I really don't know and I really don't want to find out.

I still don't know what side Asher and Jayna are on. After I read the letter I can't help but feel lost and confused. They also warned me about the problems I would face if I want to be with Harry. They ask me if I really want to spend to rest of my life with him or if I simply want to be with him because he's the first person to show affection to me?

At first, I was completely sure that I loved him and want to be with him, but the more I think about it; the more confused I get. I mean, I like spending time with Harry, but that the same for Blaise, Jason, Ginny and Charlie too. The only difference is that Harry gets to kiss and do other intimate stuff with me, but lately Harry is starting to change. He never forgets to mark me; and he never let me forget that I'm his.

In the end I don't know, I want to be with him, but does he feel the same? I don't want to go though all that pain just because he has strong feelings for me. So I've decided to give Harry three months after the war ends to say that he loves me. If those words never leave his mouth, I will walk away from him.

Draco Malfoy


	12. Chapter 12

**WARNING: This chapter has NOT been BETA, I had gone over the chapter a few time and try to fix all the mistake but I pretty sure that there many more errors in this chapter. Please don't read this chapter if bad grammer bugged hell out of you. **

Note: My beta is current very busy and is unable to help me anymore. I am looking for beta...

Plus: Thank you to all my reviewers, sorry for the long wait...

Chapter 12

Dear Dairy,

I know I hadn't been writing in a long time but I been so busy lately. I guess the first thing I should say is that the final battle is finally over and the other important thing is, my relationship with Harry at the moment barley exists.

I guess I should start at the beginning, you would think there would be a big sign or some indication about the finally battle but there was none. It all happened about a month ago, I woke up that day thinking of about Harry as usual and by the end of the day I was fighting for my life. It just doesn't seem right.

Everything seems normal that day; nothing was out of ordinary until midday. Harry had realized what an ass he has been lately and had been paying attention to me all morning, maybe I should have took it as sign. Lunch was pretty much the same, Blaise had sit way to close to me and Harry was sending death glare at him. I was about to push Blaise away but suddenly Prof. Snape had stood up and scream his lung out as he grabbed his arm in pain.

I can still remember his scream, to hear the pain in his voice took me by surprise, I never though the Prof. Snape could feel pain. The first time I saw him was before I even enter Hogwarts, he was the one that inform my father about what his friend was doing to me. Sometime when I go to him with my problem he would kick me out off his office and told me to get over it. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel about him, he never offers any kind word to me but I always feel safe around him. He always seem like a strong person to me and at this moment his current lying on the hospital bed fighting for his life.

After Prof. Snape stood up he collapsed within moment and gradually the dark mark appear over his head. The hall became completely silence, as the teacher try to help him the student could only watch with shock expression clearly written on their face. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worst, Voldemort had somehow been able to project his voice though out the school and he had asked us if with like our present in the worst tone possible. You can even feel hear the smirk in his tone. After that everything went down hill. I was so afraid, I was afraid of dieing, afraid of losing Harry and afraid to lose the people I call friends. I couldn't move a single muscle until I heard the Headmaster order.

The head teachers was ordered to make sure all there student is safe secure in their common room and then report back to the headmaster. Blaise had reminded me that Prof. Snape was unavailable and that we better help the student. Unfortunately Voldemort had other surprise for us, before everyone headed toward their common room and few student from each house started shouting the killing curse. They didn't care if they were kill in the process, it seem like they were trying to kill as much as possible before they were stop.

I ended up killing two student from my own house, what make it worst is when I heard them apologies before they died. I know that it possible that the path they have taken was not what they wanted but killing your own class mate is never right. It was strangle to see the green light fly out of my wand and landed on them, I thought that I would have more emotion but I didn't feel a thing. All I could remeber that night was the fear in the student's eyes as the green light travel toward them.

Soon after that, Blaise and I try to get everyone to the common room as quickly as possible. I'm not sure how the other houses handle the situation; we had divided the house into small group of first to fifth year student. With the sixth year was in charged of protecting their group, and the seventh year student protecting the year. After everyone understood their duty Blaise and I went to the headmaster office.

As Blaise and I nearly reach the office I notice Harry and his two buddies were heading toward the same thing. When I was within hand reach of Harry, I wanted to hug him but I didn't want to seem girly in front of the others however Harry didn't care. He pulled me into his arm and told me not to do anything foolishly. What a hypocrite, out of the two of us Harry is all likely to do sometime stupid then me. I told him if he dies I will bring him back to life just to kill him again but the truth is I have no idea what to do if that happens.

When he releases me from his hug I simple stood beside him. I didn't want to be apart from him just yet. Weasel can't keep his mouth shut for long and said sometime dumb, I was so busy looking at Harry I didn't hear what his said but Blaise had punch him and broke his nose. I though Harry was going to defense his friend but to my surprise he told Weasel in a harsh tone that, "Draco my boyfriend…GET OVER IT". I just stood still and watch Granger fixes Weasel without a comment.

I couldn't believe that Blaise punch the Weasel for me, he doesn't like physical violent because of his family background. I found myself staring at him, until he smiled at me and say "Sorry I got a boyfriend already". I didn't say a thing, I just smile back and that moment I had realized that he had become my best friend, I just don't know when.

Before we could do anything else Chang and the bi# Lisa turn up with two other people from Hufflepuff who I have never really paid much attention to. Lisa came and stood right next to Harry, as if it was her spot. Stupid bit! As I was about to push that thing away from my Harry, the entrance to the office had open up for us. I'm not sure if it was a good or bad thing.

At first some of the teacher had try to prevent us from knowing what going on, they said that we're just children, boo who, they must really be slow. I don't know about the others but I lost my innocent a long time ago. There was no way I was going to let them kick me out of the office, if I'm going to be in a middle of the war, I have to know what was going on and of course I won the argument.

From what I learn, Voldemort was attacking everywhere. His goal was to bring fear into the heart of everyone and he did a very good job at that. The headmaster had a hard chose to make between protecting the school or the wizard world. At the time Voldemort has not sent any deatheater to the school but is full out kill of the parent of the student. This is where we made the biggest mistake that cost us more life then necessity.

Thinking that the school is safe at the moment, the headmaster decides to help the people outside the school and left Prof. McGonagall in charge. As soon as the headmaster left the alarm bell went off indicating that there been trouble in each houses. Blaise and I quickly ran to our common room, lucky no one was injured. By dividing the house into small group everyone was able to look for any sign of any other traitor among the group. When Blaise and I enter the room we saw two other house members bounded and wand less.

Within ten minutes Charlie and enter the common house and inform me that Harry and the dream team had left the school and there has been report and there Voldemort and plan to attack the school until the next hour. Knowing that I couldn't possible find Harry, I decide the help protect the school. I don't know why I couldn't walk away.

The only good thing about the battle was all the student work together. All the walls that keep the houses apart simple disappear that night. I was surprise that most of the student had listened to my instruction. The teachers were in the front line but we know that it possible that some deatheater might still be able to enter the school.

Before the battle started Lisa came up to me and told me, if I die she going to have a hard time helping Harry gets over me. The way she said it make me want to kill her off during the battle. What make it worst is that she actually on Harry side. Too bad she survived the battle. I still hadn't got her back yet.

What surprise me during the battle is that the DA members were listening to me. Apparently, before Harry left the school he told his DA to fellow my instructions. He believes in me and there no way I was going to let him down. By the end of the days, I had killed more people then I could count on my fingers and I had nearly died countless time too.

I was so happy when I relise that the attack on the school so over. Lucky for us the school was not on top of the list. Voldemort learn that Harry and Dumbledore had both left the school and had told the deatheater to retreat. However the happiest didn't last, we had lost thirty students in total and many more has gotten hurt during the battle.

After everyone was look after, all I could do for the rest of the night was waited and pray at Harry was safe. It was about two hour later that I learn that Harry had final kill Voldemort but his currently in a very bad condition and has been sent to a secret location to heal.

I still can't believe it. They wouldn't tell me were Harry was located; I wasn't able to see, touch or hear anything from him for a month. If it wasn't for Charlie and Blaise I would have survive. So when I heard that Harry was going to be at the celebration party, I could wait to see him again but he didn't react the way I thought he would.

He was so indifferent toward me, he didn't hold me or kiss me or even say he miss me. He did nothing, he barley acknowledge me and it hurt. All he did was offered me a weak smile, we didn't even time to talk before he was drag away by the new minister and meeting other important people. I'm a bloody Malfoy who could be possible more important than me.

Merlin it hurt as I watch him walk away, fortunate I had Charlie my side. Blaise and Jason decide not to come, I guess that were making up for lost time. Jason was also badly injured during the battle and he was only release from the hospital yesterday.

On the brighter side I met Asher again, he was still the same old cocky bastard has he always been. What I didn't notice before was how good looking he was. I got busted staring at him and he made fun of me during the whole night. He had nearly everyone looking at him, boy and girls.

At first he scare the hell out of me, he grab him from the behind and pull me into a tight hug. The first thing he made me do was to turn around so that he could check of any injuries. It was embarrassing but I was happy that he still treats me as his younger brother.

He also thought that Harry and I broke up and Charlie was my new boyfriend. I couldn't help but blush and said that Charlie was just a great friend and I'm still with Harry. I don't know what going on in Asher mind but he keeps looking at Charlie with pity. I wonder what I missed.

From what I learned he had been a spy for Dumbledore and was order not to contact anyone. Jayna was busy that night and was unable to attend the party. I made plan to meet Asher and Jayna later. I can't wait to talk them properly again.

When the night came to an end, I try to look for Harry and see him for one last time but I couldn't find him, just as I was about to leave and Harry had pull me into a dark corner. He told me that he's sorry and promises that he will make it up to me. He said that he wasn't want people to target me because of him. He told me that he not fully healed yet and is unable to protect at this moment. He's truly an idiots, I fully able to protect myself but at least I know that he want to protect me.

He better live up to his promise because if he don't I really don't know what to do...

Draco Malfoy

-----

I hope that the grammer wasn't too bad...


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter, they belong to J.K Rowling.

**Warning: Once again this chapter does not been beta. Since no-one complain about the bad grammer in the other chapter yet... I decide post other chapter.**

Chapter 13

For the first time in my life I admit that I'm afraid. My relationship with Harry has hit rock bottom. I know that he's hiding sometime from me and I know that, what ever it is, I'm not going to be happy about it. He also had promised that he would try and make it up to me but so far he has done nothing.

I remember saying that I give Harry three months to say he love me and so far two month has past since the end of the war. I have the feeling that we won't make it. The first month, he was in a secret location to heal and in the second month he be busy interview and party plus there also final exam to study for.

We all been back at school for a month now and everything seems to be, going slowly back to normal but I just feel so miserable. Harry had become more famous than before and there are people out there that are trying to break us apart and the worst part is it working.

Every time someone asked Harry if he think his parent would have approve on our relationship, he would automatic answer yes but he wouldn't let me near him for one or two days. If someone mention about having children, he would go quiet and total ignore the question. I know that he want children but by being with me it impossible.

Well not total, I know that there a way for wizard to have a child but there only ten percent chance for the baby to survive for the full term and five percent of the bearer surviving. It a risk I'm not willing to take... just yet.

I notice that as each days past by, Harry becoming more and more stress. I want him to relax for a day so I remind him that he promised to make it up to me. He told me that he do anything I want. I just wanted to spend a whole day with him alone and he bloody agreed but the day just didn't go as plan.

He turns up late and started to yell at me about Charlie and Blaise. I really don't understand what going on in his mind. I didn't have a chance to say anything before he slapped me across the face and I don't bloody understand why he slapped me.

It's not the first time Harry hit me either and I don't believe it will be the last. I guess because he grew up in an abuse environment he does it without much thinking, I guess it not really his fault. After he slapped me, he had a shock expression on his face and he try to apologies but I walked away. I know that he's sorry but it doesn't take the pain away. The worst part is I have to hide it form Blaise.

Blaise hate physical violence with passion. He says it distasteful but I believe it more got to do with his family, than anything else. I remember Blaise mention that his younger brother died because he had been beaten to death. I know there more to that story however Blaise refuse to talk about it any further. I guess I afraid of how Blaise going to react, I don't want Blaise and Harry fight.

It hard as it is with Harry's friend not liking me, I don't want Blaise to try me break up my relationship too, even if he just trying to look out of me. I know that Harry shouldn't hit me but he only does it once in a while so it shouldn't really matter right?

I know some people been whisper thing in Harry ears, I don't know why his so insecure. I love the git but he really need to get over his fear about losing me or he will lose me for good. He confessed about being jealous of Charlie and Blaise which doesn't make sense to me. I know Blaise teases Harry constantly but Blaise got Jason and they been all over each other in public. As for Charlie, I'm at total lost. Why would Harry be jealous about him? Both he and Asher seem to think that there something going on with me and Charlie, did I miss something?

Before our fight, every single time I with Harry people keep dragging him away from me. First the minister wanted a word with Harry. The second time I find myself alone with Harry, the Headmaster needed him, the third time, nurse wanted to check up on him. Fouth, fifth time and everytime after that, his friend need him some reason. Never before have I feel so insignificant, Harry the first person to ever make me feel this way. I know that his friends are important to him but couldn't he spare a few hours a week for me.

I wonder why he didn't put up a fight or at least just once say he wanted to be with me. Just because I don't say the right word or act as if I need him doesn't mean I don't want to be with him. I'm not going to bloody beg him to stay with me, the only thing I got left from the war is my pride I don't want to lose that too but I know I will soon.

I hate the git, he doesn't have the time to be with me but he has the time to listen to ridicules gossip about me, Charlie and Blaise. Of course I'm going to spend time with them, they my friend, I'm surprise he not jealous about the amount of time I spend with Ginny. I remember this one time when I was with Ginny; she was playing chess with Lisa. I will just say the loser of that chess game is one very unhappy person. The huge smirk on Ginny face when she shout "Check mate bitch" and the pure horror look on Lisa's face make me happy every time I think about it. There's never a boring moment with Ginny.

Charlie had spot us later that day and was about to join until he saw the collar on Lisa neck. His facial expression when he read Lisa collar "Property of Ginny" was so assuming. He raised his hand and shocked his head and said his doesn't want to know what going on and quickly walk away.

I decide to follow Charlie, I not sure what Ginny other plans for Lisa was but I haven't seem Lisa since the bet. I remember I ask Ginny once about Lisa and all she had was a smirk on her face. I decide that this categories belong in the "I don't know" and left it at that.

I had asked Charlie if he was free to come with me to meet my mother. I was about to ask Harry to come along but after the slapped I don't want to be near him at moment and Charlie make me feel calmer anyway.

I am a bit nerves about the meeting tomorrow, but Charlie try to help me relax during supper. It did work for a bit until Harry out of the blue grab me and pull me out of the hall. Harry had seem so angry, I hadn't talk to since our last fight, I guess we both been busy lately.

From be relax, I was shock at Harry behavior. I was surprise when I notice that we were heading toward my common room. Harry pushed me onto my bed and pace around the room. Not know what was wrong I try to ask Harry but when I open my mouth, Harry was on top me within a second and had his tongue down my throat.

I try to struggle but Harry tightens his grip on me. When he broke the kiss he looked at me in the eye and in a possessive tone he whispered "mine" over and over again. I was scare me to the bone when I notice that his eye turn red. It reminded me of Voldemort.

I try to calm him down by saying 'your' to him. He seems to loosen his grip but wouldn't let go of me. He had attack my neck again I know there going to be a huge mark on my neck tomorrow and bruises on my wrist.

Harry seem to be hiding something from the about the final battle. I worried about him plus and there I'm also meeting my mother tomorrow. I hope that neither Charlie nor Mother notice the bruise or hickey that Harry left me with because I wouldn't know what to say. There too many things on my plate, I don't thinks I could handle them all.

Draco Malfoy


	14. Chapter 14

Cheekyamericangrl211: thanks for the review and offer, it good the know that you are still reading this stories. If the offer still stand please let me know. It either two or three chapter until the last chapter.

Chapter 14

Dear Journals,

I had lunch with Mother today, it was different to what I expected. I was lucky that Charlie was with me, I was so nerves that I didn't even want to go in the end. When I first saw her at the restaurant, I notice that she looks same as before. The war didn't seem to change her at all, I guess that Mother for you. No matter what the situation she always looks perfect, dressed in the latest fashion and her hair is never out of place.

She was sitting in the center of the room and had everyone was focusing on her. She was simple drinking her tea and with her head held high, as if she was looking down on the people around her. I still don't know what roles she played in the war. Father in the past had talked about his Dark Lord but Mother never gave any hint about what side she on. She either very good at hiding any evident that connect her to Voldemort or she was on the right side all along. I would never know.

The moment I enter the restaurant Mother had notice me straight away. Her eye seems to stare directly into my soul. I use to remember when I was a child I thought her eyes was one of the most beautiful thing in the world but now all I can see the coldest in her eye. I wonder what I did to make her detest me so much.

After I greeted her and sat down, I introduce her to Charlie who sat down beside me. She simple look at Charlie as if he was dirt under her shoe and then ignore him during the whole meeting. We sat in silent for a few minutes, I hadn't seen her in so long and yet I didn't have a thing the say. Mother had first broken the silent and talked about why she wanted to meet me in the first place. It was about Father's Will, he has basically given everything to me but the Manor in France and 50 million dollar which he has given to Mother.

I didn't know how to react, Mother said that she expect Father's Will and is going to move to France. She told me that seventeen and is an adult I could look after myself now. Basically she wanted to tell me I was on by own now. I know that Mother and I were never close but I feel as if Mother is abandoning me for the second time.

Before she left she made me promise her that I would at less try for an heir once. I don't know what I was thinking, being in her present make me too nerves to think straight. How an I going to have an heir if I'm with Harry? I guess my hand was shaking because Charlie had to hold my hand to clam me down a bit.

The important thing that happen during the meeting was Mother last words. She looked directly into my eye and for a second her eye soften and she apologies for being a bad mother and praise me for growing up to be a strong person. When she kissed me good-bye on the cheek she whispered that she was proud of me.

If Mother and Father was so dame proud of me why do they always leave me?

I don't remember leaving the restaurant or pretty much anything after that. As a child I use buy things to making me feel better but now I realize that no what I buy I still don't feel better. I know that it most likely the last time I will ever seen Mother again and I really don't know what I should feel.

I found myself holding onto Charlie after the meeting. I didn't cry on his shoulder but I feel like I need to hold on or he will leave me too.

Draco Malfoy

Note: Sorry it short, and the long wait but I am in Japan and it hard for me to find a computer.


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks: My smile hides my pain...um...Charlie with Draco :) ..._ I dont know about that_

Dear Journals,

Last weekend,　Harry had just reminded me why I bloody love him in the first place. He took me on holidays, I have not been alone with Harry for so long, it was just the two of us and nobody else, not a single person to bug or either stare at me like some kind a evil carnation who trying to corrupt their hero. It was so amazing; however it didn't started off smoothly. Plus during the little weekend with Harry, I just realize something very important, my feeling for Charlie had somehow change but I with tell you about it a bit later.

On Friday night Harry had scared the hell out of me, he came in the bloody night and pretended to kidnap me! I did not even know that was Harry, it was only the following morning that I realize it was him. The bloody basted had scared the shit out of me and he had the gut to tease me about it.

I didn't found out in a good way either, the git had bloody had me tired up and place on the bed and blind folded. I think he has some kind of bondage fetish. When I woke up I felt someone was feeling me up, at first I demand the person to stop touching me but he only remove the blind fold after I started to shacked and screamed. The worst part was that I was afraid that Harry might not want me anymore if some stranger had me first. I really to hate the amount of power that Harry has over me.

I felt like a loser when I notice that the stranger was only Harry. I couldn't believe I was reduced to tear by a game, I was so angry at the time. When I did clam down he took my hand a drag me to the front door and to my surprise I found myself looking at the beach.

I was so shock; I didn't notice when Harry had his arm around me. He had gently whispered in my ear "happy birthdays". I couldn't bloody believe it. Harry had taken me to beach for by birthday, he remembers that I told him that I alway wanted to go to the beach for my birthday this year but never had the chance. I was so happy to know that he had been thought about me.

I wanted to stay mad but I couldn't, instead I turn around and kiss the hell out of him. We spend the morning just talking, playing, and insulting each other. It was the first time in a long time that Harry didn't try to push for anything more, he was like the Harry that I got to know at the beginning.

Around noon Harry took me to the local market, I much admit I was afraid at first. I don't know what to expected, it was my first time going to a muggle shop. It was strange everyone seem so friendly, I'm use to people being afraid of me or sucking up to me. I end up buying a few things for my friends. At first I was sure how Harry wants to act in public but he was the one who hold my hands.

The following day, we watch the sunrise at the beach and it remind of the first time Harry had shown me the sunrise. I complete happy at that moment. I was relax and enjoyed every minutes that I was with him. The only thing that surprise the hell out of me was that I was thinking what it would be like if Charlie was with me. I have no idea why I was thinking about Charlie at all.

When Harry and I return to Hogwart, at first I couldn't wait to tell Charlie about what Harry did for me however when I was with Charlie I find myself unable to tell him. This is the very first time this happen. I alway thought Charlie as my older brother, he was my other Asher and for some reason I can not put them in the same category. I think my feeling for Charlie had slowly change and this scare me the most. I wonder what I should do, I not even sure what the feeling had change into.

The only thing that I know for sure is that I still love Harry. I hope this feeling for Charlie is just a closer family kind of bond.

Draco Malfoy


	16. Chapter 16

**Note:**

**rochelle09: Thanks for the review :)**

**taran47: I never thought I could make someone life complete.. :). To tell you the truth, when I started to write this story I did not think it was any good. I know the story has change alot since chapter 9, so I hope that you still like the story.**

Chapter 16

Dear Journals,

Three months as past and realized that as much as I love Harry it impossible for us to be together and I also feel like I am cheating on him everytime time I with Charlie even though I have done nothing. Harry was my first real relationship, and he meant the whole world to me. He open my eyes and I do not think I can ever repay him. However when I with Charlie, I feel like I can truely be me without being holding anything back. He make me happy and I feel..um...guess the word would be free. I do not know how to really explained it.

Maybe we just too young, Harry and I have not even live half our life yet. Everyone seem like they want us to break us. Maybe their right, this relationship isn't healthy for me or Harry. After this entry I will pack by bag and leave. I already went to the headmaster and complete the exam before everyone else. I also told Prof. Snape about my plan and he told me, to be sure about what I want and do not give a dame about anyone else, however my mind is made up. Prof. Snape is nearly completely cure, dont worry he still make at less 10 children crys per day.

I hope Harry isn't too angry at me for leaving without saying goodbye. I finally did sleep with him last night; I wanted him to be my first. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I also wanted something to remind me of him and there even chance I might be carrying his child inside of me. If the baby and I survive, I will let Harry know about it. I know it stupid and dumb of me wanting a baby but I did promised my mother that I would at least try to have an heir and I can't be with anyone else.

Thought out the century there only be two cases that both the carrier and the baby survive. Maybe I thinking to much ahead, I mean I don't even know if I pregnant or not, it was only my first time. It's too early to tell anyway. I could not face the fact that I starting to fall for Charlie and this is my way out. I can not choose between them, so I decide that it better if I left, and the possiablily of having Harrys child will allow me to have someone to love and care for because I do not think I could ever fall in love again.

After my birthdays, there has been many up and down and I starting to feel trap in this relationship with Harry and Charlie in the background does not make me feel any better. I feel so overpower by Harry and I don't even know if I'm me anymore. I use to be able to walk in any room and I would know what to do but if Harry around, I just fellow his lead. However I still love him.

I remember once when someone tried to attack me at a party and I had him on his knee, however when Harry walk in to room he assume that I the bad guy. He always sees me as a bully and never once does he think for a moment at I was only try to protect myself. I also made a few people cry, so what, it not my fault that they can't accept to truth.

Even thought Harry has bought tear to my eye so many times, I was and still am completely in love with him. I haven't written a good-bye letter to Harry or Charlie yet but I know it going to be the two hardest letters to write of my life.

I think Charlie might even have the same feeling for me and I also think he know about my feeling and I see in his eye, however there can never be a Charlie and I. At one point Ron, had pull me aside and asked me what I feel about Charlie. I was about to lie and when I look into his eye the words would not come out. I believe I told him that I care for his brother, to my surprise he did not hit or punch me, he told me to follow my heart and then walk away.

I don't know where to go just yet but just somewhere far away from Harry and Charlie. I going to stay with Asher for now, I need to found myself again before I can be with him or anyone else. Maybe there will be a day that I could find someone to love me without the touble and tear but I do not think it possible.

Maybe just maybe, if I lucky there a child inside of me and I be able to love it and raise without other people trying to take away my happiest away from me again.

Good Bye.

Draco Malfoy

The End...

**JUST JOKING!!!** one more chapter to go, however it is a very short one. I am still thinking about the ending so if anyone have any input please email it to me.


	17. Chapter 17

note:

**Thanks to all my reviews: Cloud Green, Liria Nai, Spikeddraco666, Senom Vefth, Dezra, Potters Wifey, Mystiksnake, SLNS( for telling me the school holidays timetable), Weeeeeeeee..., aa, xxpapercutxx, animerocksjapanrocks, AngelikRebel, taran47, mase3, silerdragon4736, shelimar, fanfiction69, My smile hides my pain, rochello and Cheekyamericangrl211. **

**rochello09: I dont want it to end either... :) I had to thanks you for the review because it made me happy knowing that you enjoy the story so far...however I believe that there going to be people who will hate this last chapter...**

**Cheekyamericangrl211: I am so sorry but it has to end. :) but do not worry, I promise to write other story...**

Chapter 17

Dear Draco,

If you read this before I find you, please come back to me. I will do anything you want. I just want you to know that I do love you. I love you so much there no word that can describe how I feel for you. I know that I hadn't been treating you right but I promise I will not make to same mistake again.

During the battle with Voldemort, a small part of him had become apart of me. I couldn't control myself around you. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought it was the best thing to do if I stay away from you until I could learn to control myself. I didn't know I will lose you this way.

At the beginning when I first gave you the diary, I told you that no-one will be able to read what you had written. It wasn't a lie, all I know is that I must had hurt badly because I can see the tear stain on nearly every single pages.

I never meant to make to make you cry. When I saw you try to end your life, I couldn't believe my eye. I saw the tear in your eye for the very first time, and I vow to myself to do everything in my power to stop it from never happening again. I guess I failure really badly. You were meant to be a bratty rich sob that must have everything your way. I could stand to see the sadness and pain in your eye. I knew that your life was falling apart and I hope that could make it better. A long the way of getting to know the real you, I had somehow fallen in love with you.

When I notice that you were gone, I never felt so miserable. I felt like my world fall apart after I read your letter, I never knew I hurt-ed you so bad. The worst part is that I didn't notice until a week later. I never knew how much I taken you for granted before. I know that I made a big mistake but call me selfless if you want, I will look for you and I will never stop until I find you again. You made me believe that you would always be with me and I can not and will not let you go.

I promise I will do everything you ask of me but I refuse to let to go again if I ever found you. You should know by now that you belong to me and I belong to you. You made me so happy when you gave yourself to me and I promise I will made you happy too. Please do not ever let anyone else touch you because I do not know if I handle it. If anyone try to touch you, let them know that I will made there life worst then death.

I will see you soon.

Yours

Harry Potter

_Note: I hope you guys enjoy the story...I will be either writing Ray of Light or possible an original story after this. I do not know yet. :)_

_bye for now_

_Savii_


End file.
